To say I obsessed over Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as a child would, perhaps, represent the understatement of the century. I lived, breathed, and loved this franchise, whether by the value proposition of whatever toy company actually made, shipped, and promoted the franchise in a giant media frenzy, or whether the idea that anthropomorphic turtles could learn ninjutsu and kick butt endeared itself to me (probably the latter more than the former). Compared to many of these comic books turned cartoons meant to appeal to a vast swath of American children everywhere, TMNT wanted kids to, well, have fun, and that’s exactly what they did via each episode and every video game…especially the video games! It didn’t hurt that Konami rolled on their sidescrolling arcade beat’em ups, and just applied them to a new shell (har har). I realize these in no way demonstrate the original violence and grit (yes, grit, somehow) of the vigilante justice origin story, but I prefer my turtles light-hearted, thank you very much.
Admittedly, I did not continue to track the Turtles out of the mid 1990s. They fell out of favor somewhere along the way, and I summarily lost interest, if not via age then just simply from a lack of visibility. Companies did not game to cash in on our nostalgia just yet! That would take the Internet and a whole bunch of outspoken 30+ year old people who really love animals fighting dudes.
So it is that we arrive at this strange, yet satisfying, reboot of TMNT yet again, after several other reboots which passed me by for whatever reason. Produced by Michael Bay and directed by Jonathan Liebesman (mostly known for creating visually chaotic and confusing dumb films like Battlefield: Los Angeles), I honestly didn’t know what I would see. Would they transform TMNT into a Transformer-like action fest, where the movie just goes on and on with interminal fight scenes of indecipherable robot action and lots of Shia LaBeouf yelling? Or would they bother to crib off the successful live action TMNT adaption, which actually had (gasp!) a plot of some kind and heart?
Surprisingly, they actually took the basic framework of the live action film and merely adapted the whole setting to The Era of CGI EVERYTHING. They delay the actual reveal of the Turtles themselves, just like the first movie (takes 10-20 minutes, and they bother to build anticipation).The Turtles demonstrate the exact same character traits – Leonardo the leader, Raphael the reckless, Donatello the genius, and Michelangelo the goofball – and they continue to use voice actors who you might not recognize at first glance (I certainly couldn’t tell Johnny Knoxville was Leonardo – really?). They merely updated their look to both differentiate them more, and make them look more like, well, actual turtles, and I am surprisingly fine with these changes. Before, you could only tell each one via the color of the bandana, but now they actually look different, and that’s a positive change. Probably the only one that frightened me a bit was Splinter, who they gave real rat eyes – it’s freaky, man! At least Tony Shalhoub is a good fit for the part.
Second, there’s a plot. An actual plot. A real, actual plot that involves YET another origin story. Still, I don’t think it would make sense to leave the Turtles themselves unexplained to a (probably) new audience – they go whole hog for the Mutagen thing, even though it continues to make no sense how SCIENCE could create human-like creatures who live in sewers. It basically retells the same exact plot, and just fixes some additional details to the story (like April O’Neill saving them originally, her father being a scientist, Project Renaissance WHICH I’M SURE MICHAEL BAY IMAGINED AND FORCED INTO THE MOVIE COULD IT EVER BE MORE ON THE NOSE). There’s still plenty of product placement which, as it did, integrates well with the unnatural desire for Pizza Hut pizza (which they explain, and yet I still cannot believe it), but that’s part and parcel to this series. It wants to sell your kids stuff, and that’s pretty apparent here.
The new, bulkier Turtles (and, don’t you forget it, CGI) also means that the fight sequences needed an update too, and boy do they ever look spectacular. I honestly expected the shaky-cam experience of a lifetime, but the fight scenes appeared surprisingly legible. I could actually follow a sequence of events, and the cinematography actually made sense. Fight scenes existed for, well, actual reasons, and not just fighting because fighting. Yes, the plot goes for that basic trope that “family is everything”, but did you expect any less? That’s supposed to be on the nose. It’s a kid’s movie, and it still entertained me thoroughly. Unlike Transformers, I could actually provide some emotional investment and some relation to the story, which just doesn’t happen with Indistinguishable Robot X.
If I had to complain about a few things, Megan Fox would be the first. April O’Neill, admittedly, will always play the straight(wo)man to the antics of the Turtles, and yet she plays the part even more blandly than any other April I can remember. She is just boring, and when they tie her into the origin story, she does not seem to understand how to, actually, play the reveal in any real sense. Seriously, she just adds nothing other than a pretty face, and I hate to really say that. The same really goes for all the real-life actors – they must, by definition, play second fiddle to the Turtles, but the script gives them nothing to use or even mildly entertain the audience. Yes, they can’t overshadow your main CGI stars, but they need SOMETHING to do. Will Arnett feels pretty wasted overall, and why is Whoopi Goldberg in here again? Also, Shredder’s armor compensates for how big the Turtles are now, but it looks silly and dumb to have that many blades sticking out of your body. Also, when did they find the time to build this thing?
Overall, though, I enjoyed it. The film felt true to my experience of the franchise, and I guess that’s all you can ask for in an obvious nostalgia cash-in. Here’s to a sequel that doesn’t suck!
