A Crysis Vacation Guide

greetings_lingshan_fit

You’re a smart cookie. You like saving up for nice trips and experiences that nourish your soul. And maybe on occasion, you’ll go on little vacations in fictitious lands. Like, say, the the beautiful Lingshan Island, east of the Philippines?

Also, what size nanosuit do you wear?

You may have missed the initial invitations to Lingshan Island back in 2007 due to the high-spec requirements and not being a billionaire. But thanks to advances in technology and low-cost digital downloads, your Crysis Vacation (TM) is only a few clicks away.

Your entrance to the island features an adrenaline-soaked aerial drop onto the ghost-crab inhabited beaches. Safety isn’t guaranteed, so be sure to listen to any in-drop instructions on how to use your parachute.

Your first round of island activities includes exploring the white-sand beaches, rendezvousing with your fellow vacationers (who may or may not have landed safely), testing your nanosuit’s amplifying functions (speed, stealth, strength, and armor), customizing your firearms, and pacification of patrolling North Korean officers. You don’t mind a bit of tactical espionage, do you?

nice_beach

You’ll love the lush green jungles of Lingshan, slipping into stealth mode, slowly stalking a platoon of the KPA’s finest. A ten-second recharge ensures that the two dozen hostiles who just spotted you will be quickly left in the dark as you return to invisibility. Take your time to line up another head shot just before ducking behind a tree. Our cutting edge stealth optics barely deplete at all while you remain motionless. Your SCAR automatic assault rifle comes with a pristine flash-and-noise suppression kit to ensure that if your enemies’ backs are turned, you can take down two or three targets before returning fire.

You love explosives, right? Within the first two hours of your stay in beautiful Lingshan Island, you’ll find hostile heavy tanks to blow apart. But none of this would be possible without your very own disposable semi-automatic rocket launcher! Unfortunately due to the semi-autonomy and its disposable nature, a three round cartridge was the best anybody could do. But still, explosions!

splosion

You might be thinking, “This all sounds way too relaxing for a vacation! I need something more oppressive and difficult.” You’re in luck! Just after racing an attack helicopter on a boat down a river full of waterfalls for three miles, a four-man squad of nanosuit-wearing North Koreans will show up with sniper rifles and shotguns. Good luck!

The beautiful Lingshan Island is a marvel in that of itself. With vast open-faced scenery and the freedom to go anywhere and do whatever you want, it’s easy to see this as simply a nice vacation spot for some violent recreation. But that’s without you knowing what’s inside the giant mountain at the center of the island. We’re not going to spoil the surprise for you. But we will say that if you’ve never experienced the joy of a jet-propulsion nanosuit in zero-G gravity? You’re in for a treat.

mountain

Perhaps you’re still wondering to yourself, “But I’m a good Christian. I don’t think this digital vacation is adequately using the time God gave me. Shouldn’t I be going on mission trips in real world places for vacation or something?” You ask good questions. So you also have to answer one for yourself: “Which is more fitting for a Sabbath? A mission trip? Or a virtual vacation in Sunny Lingshan Island?”

Well, I know which one sounds more like R&R to me!

About M. Joshua Cauller

M. Joshua is a missionary to his basement — where he leads a videogames-and-spiritaul-formation group called GameCell. He makes indie game trailers by day, which you can see at mjoshua.com. You can also follow him on Twitter.
  • Ayk Iano

    Sabbatical R&R with an assault rifle. Sounds like what I need.

    • Yeah. I’m realizing that as the sun disappears from this side of the earth and it gets very cold, I’m craving happy sunshine far more than usual. I don’t even think I can spend too much time playing dark games. It makes sense that Crysis and Far Cry are intrinsically interwoven as virtual adventure vacations. Played a lot of FC3 last night and realized that as much as I dislike the minutiae, the beautiful beaches and pretty world make it kinda nice, just like Crysis.