Burial At Sea: The Bioshock Obituary

Bioshock took his last breath at 12:01pm, EST, March 25, 2014. He was survived by his many children whom he never openly acknowledged.

Bioshock was a connoisseur of hot dogs and potato chips that came from the garbage. He also loved eating pineapples out of cash registers. His favorite hobby was meticulously scanning every drawer, broken gun turret, and public fountain for coins. The only things he loved more than money was using said money to finance his first loves: immolating drug addicts and decapitating law enforcement.

He left a legacy of being a belligerent racist; often hurling slurs at “Blacks,” “Jews,” and the “Foreign Hordes.” Simultaneously, he was remembered fondly as a masterful artist. He spent countless hours meticulously illustrating the parasitic nature of religious fanaticism. Many of his critics challenged this hypocrisy when he shifted into his “prophetic American patriotism” phase. Most of all, his competitors and fans alike revered his ability to depict humanity at its absolute worst.

In the end, Bioshock got the bloody skull-bludgeoned-by-a-rusty-wrench death he obsessed over. Though, it was not until bringing some conclusive satisfaction to the paradoxical time loop that only Star Trek and Back to the Future could relate to. Services will not be held as Bioshock held his own funeral (aka. Burial at Sea Ep.2). In lieu of flowers, Bioshock’s estranged children request that fans and admirers play “something else.”

About M. Joshua Cauller

M. Joshua is a missionary to his basement — where he leads a videogames-and-spiritaul-formation group called GameCell. He makes indie game trailers by day, which you can see at mjoshua.com. You can also follow him on Twitter.